Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Or "George Bush Learns a Tough Lesson"

George Bush announced today that he was dispensing with that pesky institution, the Supreme Court, altogether.

"I have so damned much trouble getting my nominees through, even though they're all good God fearing strict constructionist judges," he complained to a rapt audience of worshippers at this morning's Texas Businessmen's Greed and Gospel Society prayer breakfast, that I am turning this whole thing over to a higher power. See I learned something in AA."

He continued, "from now on, we're going to be getting our Constitutional interpretation from the Supreme Being, not the Supreme Court."

Gasps could be heard throughout the crowd, as well as murmers, ranging from "he's really lost his marbles this time" to "should I sell that strip mining company before this happens do you think?"

Some in the crowd urged caution. In the words of one pork belly trader, "George, do you really want to go that far? I mean, the Supreme Court justices have to answer to you after all, and their stock portfolios of course, but God doesn't have those sort of allegiences."

The President looked miffed, saying, "Isn't this what we've always wanted, no more separation of Church and State? Everything according to the Gospels?"

"Well, yeah, but we're in the Gospel and Greed business, George," protested an oil man sporting a ten gallon hat with flashing neon oil wells in the band. "It's just good for business, and what's good for business is good for America. Putting the big guy actually in charge could wreak havoc with our corporate culture."

"Pish tush" barked George, "I talk to God all the time. He likes me. He likes business. He likes war and famine and flood and all that good stuff. Who do you think directed me to Iraq in the first place and then chose Halliburton to clean up that mess? Now you boys just sit back and let me take care of everything."

While the few reporters who had snuck into the breakfast disguised in gray suits and power ties scrambled for their cell phones, a mighty wind was heard blowing outside the Convention Center. It grew louder and louder until the windows were shaking and the building itself was rocking on its foundations.

The surprised business tycoons were busy ducking soaring glasses of juice and dodging flying vats of scrambled eggs, as they sought shelter from the storm in rapidly cracking doorways and under collapsing tables.

"Hey!" shouted Bush, tumbling across the tilted stage grabbing the velvet curtains to slow his slide. "What is going on here? Is that a hurricane? Someone call FEMA. I thought this place was rated to withstand a category 5."

"Sorry, Sir," said a Halliburton executive who was trying to stop the President from disappearing into a hole that had opened up in the floor of the stage. "We had to keep up the profits, so this little old project got a discount on materials. It's a government building after all. That's just standard operating procedure."

"What is this hole I'm falling into, for Chris' sake. Get me outa here!" wailed the rapidly disappearing President.

As he slipped out of the grip of the Halliburton exec, his voice wafted through the now silent hall, "Who the hell authorized a no-bid contract for a place I was speaking in?!"

"Don't worry, George, we'll sue," shouted Dick Cheney, peering into the hole. "Someone will pay.... Urk!" Cheney was soon sucked into the vortex himself. Meanwhile, Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice, and Karl Rove were fighting over a limo out in front of the building as the storm waters rose around them.

As George Bush slid down below the sub-basement, he mused, "Fat lotta good that'll do without the Supreme Court to rule in my favor. I shoulda stuck with Texas baseball and cocaine. Hey, which Supreme Being have I been talking to all these years anyway.....?"

Dick Cheney, flopping end over end like a fortune telling fish, yelped, "Watch out for the brimstone, George. It's hot!"

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