Bush Outlaws Old People

Today President Bush announced he was outlawing old people. "Why should we spend billions fixing up these old age programs like Soc' Security and Medicare, when I won't, my generation, that is us who believe (heh heh) won't be around long enough to get 'em?" asked a boyish Bush rhetorically to a stunned crowd of guests in Hog Wallow Kentucky yesterday.

"I mean, what with the Rapture coming sooner than later and all, I guess we can just let these pesky things slide for now," he continued to the audience of mostly senior citizens gathered at the Hog Wallow Community Center. "So I'm outlawing old people. Not you good folks of course," the President hastened to add.

"No, those 55 or older (I'm 58 myself, heh heh) will be able to enjoy the fruits of old age just as long as, as long as uh, I do," he finished with a characteristic wink.

Aides hurried the President off stage, and assured the now restless crowd that their futures were secure, and since they were all good Christian men and women they didn't have anything to worry about anyway.

Queried about his remarks on the Rapture as he prepared to board Air Force One, President Bush snapped back, "Oh yeah, well the Press is a bunch of Heathens anyway," mumbling something about where his good friend from Talon News Service had gone.

Aides told the reporters present to check the Rapture Index for hourly updates, as they shut the plane's door definitively behind the President.